Instant Messaging Mendacity

Beatrice: Sometimes I think you're just messing around in my head.

Dante: Sometimes?

Beatrice: You're a bastard. You know that, don't you? Don't pretend you don't know it.

Dante: I'm not pretending that I don't know.

Beatrice: You've been doing this for five months and I've finally decided I'm not going to let you get away with it anymore.

Dante: Can you be more specific?

Beatrice: No. You know what I'm talking about.

Dante: Okay.

[Long pause]

Beatrice: All these riddles...all this round and round in nowhere.

Dante: You mean the simple little puzzle you haven't been able to decipher?

Beatrice: Simple! Simple! You call it simple!!!

Dante: But it is simple.

Beatrice: I'm not a fool. It isn't simple.

Dante: Do you want me to repeat it again for you?

Beatrice: No.

[Longer pause]

Beatrice: Okay...tell it again...how many times have we been through this?

Dante: 127...not counting yesterday.

Beatrice: Why not count yesterday?

Dante: You kept screaming. I don't think you even read what I wrote. It would be unfair to count that one.

Beatrice: Count it. I don't want any favors.

Dante: Okay. 128.

Beatrice: :(

Dante: Okay...here goes...now read carefully...don't miss a mark. Smile when you're ready.

Beatrice: :)

Dante: Okay..."A man had a dollar"...alright so far?

Beatrice: Shut up you bastard. You know I'm "alright so far!" You've said it a thousand times. "A man had a dollar..." I've got that part. Go on.

Dante: Okay. "A man had a dollar and he went into a bar. In the bar he bought himself a drum for fifty cents and two drum sticks to play the drum with for ten cents each."

[Pause]

Beatrice: Go on...what are you waiting for?

Dante: Yesterday you started screaming at me just when I got to the drum sticks.

Beatrice: I'm not screaming today. I'm concentrating with all the brains I've got.

Dante: Okay. "...He bought himself a drum for fifty cents....

Beatrice: Just write it "50c". I'll know what you mean. And the drum sticks..."10c ea"...abbreviate.

Dante: We've been through this before.

Beatrice: But I never understood it, I mean, why you can't abbreviate.

Dante: That's because you haven't got it yet. Once you catch on, you'll see why it has to be spelled out like that.

Beatrice: You've said that before too...a million times...not just about the money...about everything. You keep telling me I just haven't seen it yet. You're right about that...I haven't seen it...and maybe I never will.

Dante: If you think that, why do you bother to listen?

Beatrice: I don't know.

Dante: Shall we continue.

Beatrice: Of course, don't we always.

Dante: Would you rather talk about Spinoza?

Beatrice: No. I know I'll never understand Spinoza.

Dante: That's cool. You're right. If you can't get the riddle, you'll never get Spinoza.

Beatrice: The riddle's more important then, more important than Spinoza?

Dante: You'll have to decide that after you solve the riddle.

Beatrice: That's what I mean. If I can't understand Spinoza until I understand the riddle, then the riddle's more important.

Dante: I guess, but that's not exactly what I said.

Beatrice: Okay. No matter. Go on.

Dante: "He bought himself a drum for fifty cents and two drum sticks to play the drum with for ten cents each. Then he bought himself two beers. In those days, beers were 10c each."

Beatrice: Whoa!!!!! 10c!!!!! You always wrote it out before, and you just said...

Dante: You're right. I made a mistake. Let me back up....

Beatrice: You made a mistake? You've never said that before.

Dante: Yes, I know. Can I go on...or would you prefer to talk about Spinoza?

Beatrice: No. Go on. I've got to solve the riddle first.

Dante: "...Then he bought himself two beers. In those days beers were ten cents each....

Beatrice: You left out the comma. Between "days" and "beers". Before, there was always a comma there.

Dante: Are you sure?

Beatrice: Look! Just scroll up the screen. You wrote it with a comma.

Dante: Hmmm. You're right, I left out the comma this time. But which is right, with or without?

Beatrice: I don't know which is right, but you always wrote it with the comma.

Dante: You mean yesterday and all the other days? I always inserted a comma between "days" and "beers"?

Beatrice: Yes. I distinctly remember.

Dante: Okay. I'll take your word for it. "...In those days, beers were ten cents each." Is that right now?

Beatrice: Yes. Go on.

Dante: "...beers were tencents each. After the man drank his beers, he took his drum and his drum sticks and his ten cents change and went to the corner to wait for the bus." ...Before I go on, make sure you read and understand every word of that. It's very important that you get every word etched solidly in your mind.

Beatrice: You made a typo...you didn't space between "ten" and "cents". But don't repeat it...I'll just pretend there's a space there.

Dante: Okay. Study those words carefully and let me know when you're sure you understand them.

Beatrice: I've got those words written down in a notebook...I copied them down the first time you asked me to study them. That was months ago, maybe years.

Dante: When exactly was it?

Beatrice: I don't know...years ago...centuries ago.

Dante: Okay. Just let me know when you're ready to proceed.

Beatrice: I'm ready.

Dante: "...When the bus came, the man got on the bus, put his ten cents in the fare meter (in those days, bus fare was ten cents), went half way back into the bus, carrying his drum and his drum sticks with him, and sat down in an empty seat. The bus driver drove two blocks, then stopped and threw the man off the bus. Question: Why did the bus driver throw the man off the bus?" That's it. The riddle has never changed. Do you get it now?

Beatrice: Let me think.

[Very long pause]

Beatrice: No. I don't understand.

Dante: Just where do you lose it? Do you understand where it says the man "sat down in an empty seat"?

Beatrice: Yes, I see that part clearly, and I know people don't get thrown off busses for sitting in empty seats.

Dante: Maybe I should repeat the beginning for you...again. "A man had a dollar...."

Beatrice: NO!!! I understand that!! He had a dollar!

Dante: No, not "He had a dollar", "A man had a dollar"...and don't overlook that the "A" is always capitalized.


Beatrice: You've insisted on that a thousand times, and I still don't see how the letter "A" capitalized or not is relevant to the riddle.

Dante: Everything in the riddle is relevant...or at least you must presume it is until you have a clear and distinct reason for disregarding this or that word or phrase...as the case may be.

Beatrice: Yeah! Clear and distinct! You're a bastard, no doubt about it.

Dante: Can I ask you a question?

Beatrice: You've already asked me a question...a million times... Why did the bus driver throw the man off the bus...WAIT!!!! I think I've got something!!!

Dante: You've said that before, too, at least a hundred times.

Beatrice: I know, I know, but I think I'm really onto something this time. Tell me, did he throw off the drum and the drum sticks, too? Or just the man?

Dante: By "he", do you mean the bus driver?

Beatrice: Yes, did the bus driver also throw off the bus the man's drum and his drum sticks?

Dante: That's not clearly stated in the riddle, is it?

Beatrice: What do you mean? Do you mean you don't know if he (the bus driver) if he threw off the drum, too. You yourself don't know?

Dante: I merely said, the riddle doesn't make that clear. But I can tell you this, it's possible that some things relevant to the solution are not expressly stated. You have to extrapolate from the given to the unknown.

Beatrice: Then that's it!!! He threw the man off the bus because he wanted to steal his drum and his drum sticks. But being constrained by law, he could not simply overpower the man and take away his possessions. That would be highway robbery. But he (the bus driver) is authorized to throw people off the bus, so that's what he did (he, the bus driver). He threw the man off the bus, but left the man's drum and drum sticks there in the empty seat where he (the bus driver) could later claim them as lost property.

[Pause]

Dante: Interesting...but it's clear you have missed at least one important point.

Beatrice: What important point!!!? Oh God!!! I'm sorry I said that. I didn't mean it. You're going to do it again!!!!

Dante: I'm going to do what?

Beatrice: Repeat the whole thing all over again...don't do that...I've heard it a thousand times.

Dante: Okay, but you did miss a major point. Do you mind if I try to help you this little? You've said before that you prefer to work it out without any hints.

Beatrice: It's okay, just so long as you don't repeat the whole riddle...not again.

Dante: By the way...I still have a question to ask you...not the riddle question.

Beatrice: Can it wait?

Dante: No. I have to ask now.

Beatrice: Okay. If it's important.

Dante: Is your name really "Beatrice" or did you just take that name because I had previously called myself "Dante"?

Beatrice: Will this help me solve the riddle?

Dante: No.

Beatrice: My name is not "Beatrice". It's something else.

Dante: Okay. I just wanted to know.

Beatrice: You're not going to ask me my real name?

Dante: Would you answer me truthfully?

Beatrice: How would you know if I did or not?

Dante: Good point. Well, then, let me get back to the "hint", as you call it.

Beatrice: Good.

Dante: Pay careful attention to these words...."A man had a dollar and he went into a bar...." It's clear, from the cock and bull story you made up about the bus driver's plot to steal the man's drum and his drum sticks, that you have missed the most basic point of all....

Beatrice: Yes, I know. I've missed that most basic point a million times. The son-of-a-bitch had a dollar and he went into a bar!

Dante: Now, don't start screaming again.

Beatrice: I won't, I promise.

Dante: Good. I detest violence.

Beatrice: Do you think it would help if I heard the words aloud...I mean, the secret might be revealed by something in the inflections of your voice. You hear those inflections as you type the words, but they don't come through the IM to me.

Dante: That's quite true, that my inflections don't make it all the way through to you, but I really don't think hearing them would help. In fact, those inflections might constitute hints, and you've said you don't want hints.

Beatrice: Did you get hints? When you heard the riddle, did you hear it aloud, or was it like this, little black letters coming out of hyperspace?

Dante: Now you're getting warm. I'm sure if you proceed along this path, it'll finally come to you.

Beatrice: Then tell me. Where did you hear it? How was it delivered?

Dante: I didn't hear it. I made it up.

Beatrice: That's impossible.

Dante: Impossible? Why do you think it's impossible that I made up the riddle?

Beatrice: I don't mean that. I mean, I don't mean it's impossible. It just doesn't seem likely that something this complex, something so deep, could possibly have been "made up".

Dante: That's absurd. Even if I didn't make it up, someone else would have. Every riddle that's spoken in words is either made up by me or by someone else. One or the other.

Beatrice: That sounds like Spinoza. I thought we weren't going to talk about Spinoza.

Dante: Not unless you want to.

Beatrice: I want to solve the riddle first.

Dante: Okay. "A man had a dollar and he went into a bar. In the bar he bought himself a drum for fifty cents and two drum sticks to play the drum with for ten cents each. Then he bought himself two beers. In those days, beers were ten cents each. After the man drank his beers, he took his drum and his drum sticks and his ten cents change and went to the corner to wait for the bus. When the bus came, the man got on the bus, put his ten cents in the fare meter (in those days, bus fare was ten cents), went half way back into the bus, carrying his drum and his drum sticks with him, and sat down in an empty seat. The bus driver drove two blocks, then stopped and threw the man off the bus. Question: Why did the bus driver throw the man off the bus?"

[Extremely long pause]

[Another long pause]

Beatrice: I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know...I'm not screaming...I just don't see anything.

Dante: There must be some word you're not reading, or a word you're giving a meaning other than the intended meaning.

Beatrice: That might be, but how would I know? I mean about the meaning? I'm reading every word, I'm saying each word aloud as I read it, but I don't know if the words mean to me what they mean in the riddle.

Dante: Precisely.

Beatrice: Precisely?! Is that all you have to say?

Dante: Yes...or better, precisely.

Beatrice: If I finally give up, if I ask you to tell me the answer...will you, I mean, will you give me the real answer, or will you just continue with all this crap?

Dante: I will do as I have always done. I will give you exactly what you want. If you want the answer, if you want to surrender, admit defeat...sure, I'll give you the answer...such as it is.

Beatrice: What does that mean, "such as it is"?

Dante: Let me put it this way: I lied to you a little. I didn't make up the riddle. A man told it to me, but he's dead now, and he never gave me the answer. When the answer came to me, well, it might just as well have been the truth that I made it up.

Beatrice: I'm not surprised that you lied to me. You're a terrible person. You know this only makes it worse.

Dante: Yes, I know this only makes it worse.

Beatrice: Let me think.

Dante: Okay.

[Hours pass, then days and weeks of moments.]

Beatrice: I don't want to know the answer...I mean, I don't want you to tell me.

Dante: Good. You're a real mensch, Beatrice.

Beatrice: What's a "mensch."

Dante: I'm not sure, but it sounds like something heroic. It's probably not a word.

Beatrice: Right. You mentioned a "hint".

Dante: Yes. If I'm to give you this helping hand, you must promise me that you will listen as you've never listened before. Intensely.

Beatrice: I promise. I will open the ears of my heart.

Dante: Okay...here goes...for the last time..."A man had a dollar...."

Beatrice: AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Dante: "...and he went into a bar."

Beatrice: AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Dante: Shall I continue?

[Pause. Pause. Pause.]

[Very long pause.]

Beatrice: Can we talk about Spinoza?

Dante: Of course. As I said, anytime you want to change the subject, we will. Where shall we begin?

Beatrice: How about at the beginning.

Dante: I'm smiling.

Beatrice: Why?

Dante: I don't know. Maybe Spinoza will tell us. Let's begin at the beginning and see what we see: "Definitions: 1. By cause of itself I understand that whose essence involves existence..."

Beatrice: I don't get it.

Dante: Well, let me explain it...”A man had a dollar....”

[Long pause.]

Dante: r u there?

[Interminable silence.]