Mouse, as Lobbyist

Now that I have hung out my shingle as a professional buyer of votes, I will seek to further my ambitions along those lines by working to have the following law enacted.

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Any citizen, whether professional card-carrying lobbyist or mere amateur profligate, who shall tender or offer to tender anything of personal value -- other than a legal electoral campaign donation -- to an elected official of any United States Federal governmental body shall be guilty of a second degree felony upon the first offense and of a capital crime upon the second and subsequent offenses. Those elected officials receiving such tenders or offers and failing to report them in writing within 72 hours of the offense to the Federal Bureau of Investigation shall be guilty of a second degree felony upon the first offense and shall forthwith, after due process, be removed from office.

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I make this recommendation for no reason other than to level the playing field for all of us lobbyists. The Mouse's treasury being somewhat replete of funds at the moment -- and for the foreseeable future -- he finds himself unable to compete with the well-funded minions of K Street. Hence, the need for a practical law to enable the Mouse to pursue his agendas with a modest expectation of success.

It might also be argued that the proposed law stands upon a firm moral footing, but for tactical reasons, the Mouse hesitates to use that strategem. History has shown that appeals to moral sensibilities simply do not work.

Nor would the Mouse resort to reason, a tactic equally as sound and equally as futile as the morality card. While it is obvious that any law, regulation, or interpretation that has to be bought and paid for could not be peddled on reasoned merits, the fact is just as certain that reason is a currency seldom traded on the legislative market.

Consequently, the Mouse rests his case upon the selfish and immoral position that he, and other lobbyists of similar means, would benefit to the exclusion of all others. That, and apparently only that strategy has any chance in the world as it is currently configured. For after all, the invisible hand of absolute self-interest has served the nation well in the past, and will continue to do so until such time as men become angels or angels men.

I urge each of you to lobby your senators and your congressman, beseeching them to act immediately for passage of the Mouse's proposed law. Your efforts will probably be received by deaf ears and blind eyes, and you will receive a form letter in reply, thanking you for your continued support. But do not be deflected from your honorable quest by the indifference of those you must influence. They are but human, all too human. Many of them would not be able to live in their current life styles without the largesse provided by those my law will criminalize, so you should not expect to win this battle without a spirited fight. As the current occupant of the White House has said, when facing an equally bleak outlook on a far less noble adventure, "Stay the course." You and your heirs (forgetting the Mouse's personal objective) will look back upon this as a crusade won in the name of truth and justice.

My only concern is the cost of housing all the VIP prisoners this law will produce in the short term, but as my fictitious cousin Harold used to say, "Ad libidum, nolo protenderandum," which means something like, "think what you like, say what you thinnk" (but I could be wrong about that). In any case, Rome was not destroyed in a day, nor a thousand ships launched without a few bent nails. So, I repeat those immortal words, "Stay the course," do you best, and let the mouse droppings fall where they may.